Mooommmm, Daaaaaddd, get my bed ready....I'm moving back home!
For four years our kids have learned to live on their own, make decisions by themselves and get their own meals. And now just when they are “all grown up”, they move back home and you find yourself cooking for them and cleaning up after them. I don’t think they mean to revert back to children, it just happens when they are around us.
According to CollegeGrad.com, this time last year, 77% of college grad job seekers ended up moving back home with their parents after graduation. That was up from 73% from the previous year 2007, and 67% since 2006. With today’s bleak job market, this year’s number is expected to be even higher.
To help ensure a successful transition from graduate-to back home-to back on their own, CollegeGrad.com advises that live-at-home grads make the search for a job their full-time job. “Set your alarm and show up to your job search as you would a full-time job.” As parents, we can help assist our grads in that process but otherwise, it’s not so wise to make them too comfortable.
Another recent article from Money magazine “When the Kids Move Back In” suggested that while parents might need to provide some financial assistance until their grads get a job, they should insist that the grad be responsible for taking care of all their own bills; cell phones, iTunes, and credit cards.
Parents should set up some financial parameters around this living arrangement that helps the new graduate learn how to budget and to save for the eventual move to independence. You can have your returning son or daughter pay a nominal amount for food, utilities, even the rent. This way if a parent actually needs the money, then this arrangement can help defray some of the family living expenses. If the parent doesn’t need the money, a sum can be saved and put towards the move-in costs to an apartment.
Here’s some advice for parents:
• Establish ground rules early: Some families with adult children living back at home find a contract can help formalize the rules and keep everyone on the same page. Who’s going to do your grads laundry? What do you expect them to do around the house? Will it bother you if they come home in the middle of the night?• Decide ahead of time how they will contribute: They may not be able to afford market-value rent, but adult children living at home could help make a dent in the extra expenses they create (extra gas, higher phone bill, etc.). Make sure this is clear before they start packing up the dorm. • Don’t help too much: A college grad is capable of painting their room and planning their own move. Don’t take care of all the details or you’ll find yourself doing laundry and making lunches once they’re home.• Set a deadline for them to leave: Though it may sound harsh, setting a time limit ahead of time helps keep everyone focused on the fact that eventually the new grad needs to establish their independence. • Stay calm: Proactively setting the ground rules for adult children moving home can help prevent stress-induced blowups that can permanently damage important family relationships when there are adult children living at home.
Advice for the returning graduates? CollegeGrad.com suggests they ask themselves a few questions:
●How much of your private life do you want to share? How will you handle having guests over, use of phone/internet/TV, smoking/non-smoking etc.
●Are your parents cool with this live-in idea? Remember you will be accountable to the person who pays the mortgage. You are now moving back into your parent's house, not 'your' house.
●Do you have a plan as to how to live in the house and maintain your privacy? Maybe you could re-do a basement? Which bathroom will you use?
●Have you discussed in advance how you’ll handle expenses? Will you be expected to contribute to rent (even if minimal) or groceries? If you have no money coming in, you could offer to do weekly grocery shopping, baby-sitting if here are younger siblings around, helping with eldercare, or even cooking meals.And remember this may be the one last time you get to spend quality time living with your adult children, so enjoy it! I know I am!
I love it when I get humorous emails from friends and from my Reveille campers. Here's one I got recently that I think will make you laugh.Three Men on a HikeThree men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'Poof!.. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'Poof! .. God gave him a row boat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.Want to post a quote or a humorous story and share a smile and giggle?
I'm sure every mom has thought about it -- how much would I get paid for this non-stop job, if I was getting paid in dollars. Well each year in honor of Mother’s Day, Salary.com answers that age-old question.
They calculate how much a mom would make-another words the cost to an employer if they had to pay cash for all the jobs that moms do.
The 12,000 moms surveyed got to pick their top 10 “mom jobs”: housekeeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, facilities manger, van driver, psychologist, laundry operator, janitor and CEO. They calculated the yearly mom salary for both Working and Stay-at-Home Moms! Based on time spent doing the 10 jobs chosen, the annual salary for the stay-at-home mom is $122,732. Working moms 'at-home" salary is $76,184 (this is in addition to the salary they earn in the workplace).
The figure, by the way, includes 56.4 hours of overtime for the mom at home and 17 hours of overtime for the working mom.
The website allows you to determine your own “mom paycheck”. I decided to play along….I failed the first question because the box only allowed me to chart 4 children. Let’s not forget I have 4 children under the age of 6 and 3 older daughters 21, 26 and 28! OK, so I kept going…I filled in my hours for each role, keeping it very conservative, filled in how many hours I work outside of the home, again playing it conservative, and then hit the GO button. All I have to say is MY COMPUTER LOCKED UP! Salary.com’s mom salary wizard couldn’t handle my request! All I can say is “A MOM’S WORK IS NEVER DONE“.
I wish I could snuggle back under my covers now and go back to sleep, but it’s time to shuffle the kids off to school and get to work!! And incidentally, isn’t the phrase “working mom” redundant? I mean aren’t all moms working moms!
Of course the rewards we receive in lieu of cash are priceless. Hugs and kisses, and items made from Popsicle sticks. Often it feels as though we need an extra arm, if for nothing else so we can pat ourselves on the back.
I’m sitting in the airport in Greenville North Carolina after speaking at the Power of the Purse Luncheon, an annual fundraising event for the Women For Women Organization. Women for Women is a wonderful women’s organization committed to philanthropy. I spoke today about balancing life while having a job, being a mom, working in philanthropy, and all the while trying to maintain some sanity in our lives! I offered the group my six strategies for staying healthy, happy and balanced while trying to have it all and now I’ll share them with you!
1. Discover what you enjoy! After interviewing people for the past 30 years, I have found that those who are most fulfilled and content are those who have followed the passions in their lives. When you enjoy what you do, it’s hard to call it work!
2. Establish Priorities and Set Boundaries! Many women feel guilty if they can’t be everywhere and do everything. To eliminate this stress, it’s best for each of us to establish what’s most important in our lives and prioritize those things – and stop obsessing over the rest. To other thing women have a hard time doing is saying “no” to the myriad of requests that come from friends, family, work etc. We may feel like superwomen but without priorities and boundaries it’s hard to balance it all and still have to time for ourselves.
3. Invest in Yourself! It doesn’t matter how many stocks and bonds you invest in, if you aren’t investing in your health you may not be around to enjoy them. The length and quality of our life is only 30% hereditary and 70% up to us. The investment you make today will determine the quality of your life 10, 20, 30 years from now.
4. Never underestimate the power of a positive attitude! A positive attitude and sense of enthusiasm is a key factor in your health, success and happiness. Deepak Chopra once told me that we are the only creatures on earth who can change our health by changing our attitude. I call it an inside job!
5. Ask For Help! We need to talk with our families about what it takes to operate as a team and how it’s important for everyone to work together in order to find an equitable sharing of tasks. If you are feeling at the end of your rope and exhausted – have a family meeting. If you do it all yourself and never ask for help; you will always feel overwhelmed and resentful...and they will always think you are a crabby lunatic!
6. Count your blessings! It is so easy to let your focus be drawn to what went wrong in a day and what could go wrong tomorrow, that we forget to appreciate the good stuff. The simple act of “counting your blessings” can be a powerful tool in maintaining a healthy body and a happy soul. Studies have shown that a positive, appreciative person has less stress, lower blood pressure and better immune system and a life filled with more laughter and less illness.
So there they are short and simple – they’ve worked for me and I hope they help you find some balance in your life
I was a guest on the Today Show this morning to talk about surrogacy -- in response to the news that Sarah Jessica Parker and her husband Matthew Broderick were expecting twin girls with the help of a surrogate.
I remember very well when surrogacy burst into the media spotlight, back in 1970s, with the heart wrenching story of Mary Beth Whitehead who became embroiled in a sticky legal and emotional battle when the surrogate decided to keep the baby.
But we've come a long way since that famous case. Today there are reportedly 6-7,000 births a year via surrogates (no one know for sure since many aren't reported) and it can now be a safe and viable alternative for couples if they follow some basic guidelines and get proper legal counsel.
My husband and I used the CSP (Center for Surrogate Parenting) in Southern CA --considered the masters at matching couples to surrogates and then taking care of every detail from medical and psychological screening of the surrogate, to legal contracts, to embryo transfers, to overseeing your relationship with your surrogate throughout the pregnancy, and even hospital details for the delivery. Of course this kind of careful orchestration isn't cheap but it certainly makes for a wonderful happy journey and a blessed outcome.
When hiring a surrogate, everything is decided upfront; how much contact will the surrogate have with the family during pregnancy and after the birth. If multiple embryo's are implanted then you must decide if you will do selective reduction as well as how many babies will your surrogate agrees to carry. All parties must agree in writing to all kinds of these details.
Jeff and I traveled to Ohio where our surrogate Deborah Bolig lived for the ultra sounds and then for the birth. However we spoke with Deborah and her husband Pete (my husband calls him the unsung hero-for putting up with a pregnant wife) weekly. She was wonderful in sharing meaningful details-baby hiccups and kicking. Having read about how babies hear in utero and recognize their mommy's voice when born, I made an audio tape of my voice "hi my babies, it's mommy and I can't wait to meet you-I love you....." which Deborah played to her growing belly at night. And when the babies were handed to me in the delivery room (another detail worked out ahead of time, some surrogates like the baby to be handed to them so they have the opportunity to hand them to the awaiting parents) I feel they did know my voice--they stopped fussing and began cooing.
It was the most amazing experience in the hospital--a real family affair--Deborah's 3 teenage daughters and my 3 teen daughter's oohing and aahing over the babies, and dressing and feeding them. It was way better than I ever could have dreamed.
We are only required by contract to send photos of the kids each year on their B-days. But the relationship between our two families has forever been intertwined, and we make sure to get together once a year because we want our twins to know the family who made it possible. You can be sure that this Mother's Day Deborah Bolig will receive flowers and a call from all four cuties, as she does every year.
I really hope that the media (and the rest of us) will let Sarah Jessica and Matthew enjoy this happy time in their lives and stop asking inappropriate personal questions about every detail of how they created their child. If we are raised properly, we know that it wouldn't be right to ask such questions of a neighbor or an acquaintance, but for some reason the public has come to think it's OK to demand that celebs reveal every personal detail of their lives.
Come on, let's all be a little classier than that. I know it makes for a fun salacious story-but that doesn't mean its right.
There are thousands of couples struggling in this country, trying to have babies. Surrogacy can now be a safe and viable option for them, and I want women to feel as though they can choose this option without any stigma and without thinking that they too will be expected to answer inappropriate questions about delicate family matters. We are fortunate that we have medical technology and altruistic self less compassionate surrogates willing to give the Gift of Life.
Advice for the returning graduates? CollegeGrad.com suggests they ask themselves a few questions:
